Monday, September 26, 2011

my wedding plans.

I'm an impressionable person, a quality that has been a blessing and a curse in my life. A blessing because I can find inspiration almost anywhere, and it's easy for me to find the good in other people. A curse because I had to learn the hard way that one shouldn't have to change to make other people happy. I learned that lesson twice.

The Internet can be a slippery slope of inspiration and constant comparison. I stay for the inspiration and beg myself to leave because of the comparison -- comparing my wardrobe to someone else's, comparing my life with a stranger's, detailing wedding plans of a vision that isn't mine. It can all seem really constricting and heavy and no fun at all.

When I first discovered wedding blogs, I was strangely enamored. I can say, honestly, that I was never the kind of person that dreamt of my wedding day. As a matter of fact, it rarely crossed my mind. I never wanted a big wedding. Or perfectly coordinated bouquets. I never even knew people photographed weddings.

Suddenly, it was all I could think about. I found myself calculating costs and wondering how on Earth people afford this stuff. And I wanted to cry. Then I reminded myself: I never wanted a big wedding. Or perfectly coordinated bouquets. Or anything like that. That is someone else's dream. A brilliant, wonderful, amazing, perfect dream. But it's not mine.

No, my dream looks more like a very small, unfussy celebration of the love I found in the fifth grade with a boy who makes me laugh and washes the dishes way more often than I do. And yes, I want photos. And I want to hold my idea of a perfect bouquet (sunflowers). And I want to wear something old and something new and something borrowed and something blue. And I want my dad to walk me down the aisle while my mom looks on with gentle eyes and a kind smile. And I want my family members to receive us with open arms and love in their hearts. And I want to remember that day as one in which I gained a whole new family.

And it will be perfect. And, more importantly, it will be my idea of perfect. xo, R.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

Your wedding will be beautiful just like you. :-) :-)

xo sis

Destini Lea said...

PERFECTION. I agree with everything you said, even down to your idea of a perfect bouquet. (Sunflowers are my favorite, too!) Your words are always shockingly beautiful, and for some straaange reason I think you and Jeffrey will have the cutest wedding imaginable :)

Elizabeth said...

You are adorable Roxanne and I know that you will have your perfect wedding...it will be adorable and so you and Jeffery. It couldn't be any other way....
<3

Laura said...

I love this post! I find myself feeling the same way about the internet and blogs - a dangerous combination of inspiration and downward-spiraling comparisons. Planning a wedding only heightened some of those comparisons but you put it just right - that though the weddings pictured are on these blogs are perfect, they're perfect dreams of others. Your perfect wedding dream is something else, entirely beautiful and legitimate in its own way. Thanks for sharing this and reminding me to stay aware of what's running through my head as I pour over other's blogs and trying to be inspired, not defeated by constantly comparing myself to others who don't necessarily share my style, aesthetic, or dreams.