the thing about summer.

I originally wrote a post about being drained. Sometimes I feel guilty complaining because I know my life is so good. I remember being little and having summer days all to myself. My sister and I would collect rain water in buckets, then do nothing with it. My friends and I rode our bikes up to Walgreens and picked out candy bars and nail polish. I remember going to the beach and swimming until my fingers were pruny and freckles covered my face. I miss those summer days -- days spent worrying about nothing other than the smell of freshly cut grass and the next time I'd walk into an ice cold movie theater to see something brand new to my eyes. It was good.

I've spent this summer taking classes, watching my sister and Mark get married, and working. It's still good.

I know I've been blessed with a life full of happy things and full moments. And even though I know it, I still get caught up in the complaints I can find in the fabric of my life. And whose to say we're not all entitled to a little complaining now and then? But, in the midst of thinking about all the things I've needed to do this summer, I remember the fact that I had the chance to walk on the beach at sunset with my parents tonight, or the fact that I have a dog who cuddles up on the couch next to me, or the fact that my dad made risotto and garlic bread and that we had the opportunity to sit down and eat it together.

And, yes, I'm really tired. And yes, I'd like to spend my days collecting rain water that has no future purpose, but growing up comes with new responsibilities; responsibilities that require a bit more commitment and optimism, both of which I am willing to give if it means that one day, in the distant future, I will watch my own children collect rain water.




*image.

on finding love (our four year anniversary).

I once liked a boy who took me for granted. I let it happen, knew it was happening, and still held on. When I came out of it, I felt stupid and naive and taken advantage of all at once. It didn't feel good. I liked a slew of boys in high school. Sometimes the feelings were reciprocated, other times they weren't. But even if they were reciprocated nothing came of it, which almost hurt worse than no feelings at all. I still listened to love songs and believed they were meant for me.

It was crush after crush after crush until one day I just stopped. Stopped it all. If someone wanted to find me, they could do the searching. I think everyone around me (including Jeffrey) knew before I did that Jeffrey would be the one. And it didn't happen instantly. I didn't know at any one particular moment that he was it. I think it was different because we were young and at seventeen years old I wasn't looking for a husband. It was a million little things that added up to one big thing, and that's how I knew.

Whereas in the past I searched for boys to like, Jeffrey came as a complete and total surprise to me. I do believe that is how I fell in love so quickly with that charming boy. Looking back, he was there all along. As a matter of fact, I liked him several times, on and off, before the summer we started dating. I was in a good place that summer. I felt confident in myself and myself alone. That's the only reason it happened, the only reason I was open to it. Before that I was too wrapped up in my own head for magical things like this to happen. It was a series of many, many tiny events that gave way to this big one.

And all those crushes, the reciprocated and un-reciprocated, didn't matter anymore. They never really mattered. Because all along it was written somewhere that Jeffrey and I were meant to be. Because I was open to loving myself before loving someone else. Because I realized that the boys I liked previously just weren't meant for me. Because Jeffrey never gave up on what he knew could be great. Like I said, small events that made up a big one.

Four years ago today, Jeffrey asked me to be his girlfriend on my front porch. And I said yes. It's funny that such a small word changed my life so totally and completely.

If I could say only one thing to young women who get crushes on boys that take them for granted, it would be this: Stop looking. Just stop, and it will come to you in a rush so big and unexpected, it will knock you off your feet and take you somewhere better.

I know and believe this with my entire heart because it happened to me.

Happy Anniversary to the one and only boy who showed me just how wonderful love can be. I love you.

a cute couple.

I'll always remember walking up to the county courthouse, trailing behind my sister and her (almost) husband as they clasped hands. They had a relatively secret civil ceremony the Wednesday before their wedding so that a close friend could officiate the Saturday ceremony without having to worry about being ordained. It was kind of quiet that day. I'm not sure if it was my own head or if the city itself had quieted down to witness the union of two magical people. Down the street people carried on with their daily lives -- grabbing cups of coffee, walking the dog, picking up the newspaper. But as we crossed the street we embarked on a far more important journey. If you're lucky, you only get married once. So you have one time to make it all count, to take it all in, to etch all the memories into your brain so you can pull them out later and remember.

I stood as my sister and Mark waited to hear the vows that would bind them together for a lifetime, and I could do nothing but breathe at that moment. How often does one witness a moment of such sheer perfection? How often does one get to see the person who has meant more to them than almost any other person promise to spend a lifetime with someone? I knew I would remember this forever. I would take this moment out years later to tell my own children about the day their aunt, my sister was married.

Although the true ceremony didn't take place until a few days later, this one, on a regular Wednesday, seemed special. I sat down on a bench to sign my sister and Mark's marriage license and my breath left me almost completely. I was signing my witness to a complete and utter miracle. Love.

exhausted & happy.

I am exhausted.
And happy.
My sister and my (now) brother-in-law got married on Saturday.

I'll have pictures soon.
Until then, xo.

I know a ring is just a thing, but I can't wait until Jeffrey and I are married, cooking next to one another in the kitchen, and I look over and see a wedding ring on his finger.

Have a great weekend. xo, R.